I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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