When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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