Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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