in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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