yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
