So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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