I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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