im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
