Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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