No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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