I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
