I just made out with a guy for $7.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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