I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
