Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
