What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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