He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
