There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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