Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize