based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
