Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
