I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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