I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
