my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize