Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
