Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize