lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
