I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
