We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
