I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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