i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
