You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
