wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
