i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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