I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
