you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
