I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
