I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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