Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Randomize
