In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
