if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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