The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
