Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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