Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
