some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
