I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
