every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
