Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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