am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
