Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
