I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
