Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
