Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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