i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
