"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize