the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
