I only kidnapped one of them. chill
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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