Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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