I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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