I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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