Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
