So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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