Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
