Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
