I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
