I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
