I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
